One newly invasive species the DNR certainly ought to add to its catalog | WisCommunity

One newly invasive species the DNR certainly ought to add to its catalog

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources has announced it is considering additions to its official list of invasive species, joining already listed flora and fauna such as the zebra mussel, which has been ravaging Lake Michigan's ecosystem.

I hereby nominate for the DNR's strongest consideration that horrendously destructive species whose formal scientific name is Kochtopus Plutarcha.

Kochtopus is a hugely ravenous, cold-blooded creature native to Kansas. The creature tends to remain close throughout its life to its litter mates, leaving slime trails wherever it journeys. Thanks to modern human technology, the organism has in recent decades spread widely across the US, displacing numerous competitors, especially Progressis Democraticus, a far more benign species that has the advantage of a larger brain and better long-range vision but less powerful mandibles and manipulators.

Thoughtout its life Kochtopus appears vaguely mammaliam in some respects but exhibits some characteristics most commonly of the genus that includes slime molds. It derives much of its sustenance from an uncanny ability to digest complex hydrocarbons including bitumen and petroleum. Its bodily wastes, heavy in pollutants, foul land, sea and air but also exude a hynotic odor that often attracts unwitting Homo Sapiens.

Kochtopus is highly structured and heavily dependent on expanding its territory, consuming or wiping out neighboring species through sheer numbers. When threatened, kochtopus instinctively reacts to perceived threats by excreting billions of units of a particularly poisonous substance composed of digestively processed wood pulp and greenish petrochemical dyes. The organism is difficult to kill. When a kochtopus loses a tendril, six more quickly grow to replace it. Oddly, kochtopus sometimes consumes its own tendrils.

The creature declares its territory by loudly baying, usually from behind a tree and in a cacaphony of vocalisms that confuse and frighten other creatures in the area. Despite this loud blustering, Kochtopus is fairly guarded and prefers to operate in darkness. When in predatory mode the skin of the kochtopus blends in via a naturally adjustable camouflage that mimics the look and feel of creatures far more patriotic, ethical and humane. The creature often forms symbiotic relationships with Republicannotis Solipsistus.

All in all, bad news for Wisconsin's environment. If you see one, call the DNR immediately. Do not attempt to approach the creature. If it attacks you may be able to defend yourself by wearing natural fibers and laying out baited traps containing organic foods. Also, strong, white light appears to disrupt the creature's typically nocturnal routines.


November 23, 2014 - 12:09pm