I want to be Scott Walker's speechwriter. | WisCommunity

I want to be Scott Walker's speechwriter.

I am seeking support and recommendations to become Scott Walker’s speechwriter as he embarks on his quest for the presidency.

Admittedly, writing applause lines for a man with his record will be easy but nonetheless, with my background in writing and Scott’s credentials, we would make an excellent team.

If it helps I would like to submit a writing sample. What follows are the highlights of the speech I would craft for a large Republican audience, perhaps at the 2016 Republican convention.

“Fellow Americans, I stand before you as a candidate for the presidency, and, with your support I can bring to the country the same accomplishments I brought to the people of the great state of Wisconsin.

We pared the size of state government by laying off people in the regulatory agencies and cutting the pay of those still working. We found that it was easier to let the industries write their own regulations. The iron mine project is a good example. At the same time it will save us tons of money on the enforcement end since there won’t be any laws left to break.

One of the first things I did after my inauguration was to defund Planned Parenthood (pause for applause), but we didn’t stop there. We imposed harsh restrictions on abortion clinics and abortions to make sure those women who get pregnant stay pregnant (pause for applause and allow extra time for crowd on their feet). And more recently we have imposed a new formula for Medicaid reimbursements on those remaining birth control clinics that we hope will put them out of business for good. (pause for applause and stomping of feet.)

As they say in the TV ads, but wait, there’s more. In the first year of my governorship I signed a repeal of the State’s workplace sex discrimination law. (applause here). Of course this repeal was a logical extension of the my earlier work because, after all, pregnant women and those with newborn babies don’t need jobs. There ain’t nothing like a pregnant dame. (pause for roars of laughter).

I would also like to remind you that I refused the Medicaid expansion which left 87,000 Wisconsinites without access to health care. (pause for applause). As president, I could extend that number into the millions. (pause for applause) Plus there is no penalty at the ballot box since we passed a voter ID law that will knock 300,000 suspected Democratic voters off of the rolls just soon as the courts rubber stamp the plan. (pause for applause) Imagine doing that nationwide. (pause for applause)

We certainly don’t want to help pay for all those new bambinos. (pause for more laughter)

Now some people have said that those babies will grow up and require an education. I have an answer to that as well. In the first two budgets of my administration I cut education funding by $1.5 billion. (pause for applause). I sincerely believe if people become dependent on public education they will lose the incentive to educate themselves. After all, I am proof positive you don’t need no stinking diploma. (pause for roars of laughter standing ovation and balloon drop.)”

So Scotty, you get the idea. I think together we can go places. Call me.

Dan


Published

February 15, 2015 - 11:57am

Author

randomness