What with recent court rulings deciding that corporations are people, a lot of us find ourselves asking "well, I'm not a corporation. Am I still a person?" That's a good question. You know all those quizes floating around on Facebook? You know the ones that all you "friends" out there keep using to clutter up my timeline? I think it's time for Uppity Wisconsin to have one of our own. There are no right answers to this quiz - only wrong answers.
Just How Person-y am I?
1. To start - do you have a vagina or a uterus? - 10 points off
2. Do you ever use your vagina but not your uterus (slut!) - 15 points off
3. Do you have articles of incorporation? - Add 10 Birth Certificate? Deduct 5.
4. Did you pay taxes last year? If you answered Yes to question 3 and No to this one, add 10 points. If you answered No to question 3 and No to this one, subtract 10 points.
5. On a scale of 1 to 10 (where 10 is the whitest) just how white are you? Extra 5 points if you think it doesn't matter.
6. Does tobacco hold some meaning in your life besides something to smoke? If so take off 20 points, go back to the Rez, and stop bothering us all about team names, unpolluted rivers, social justice, and all that other stuff. I mean, what did we ever do to you?
7. Did you donate over 1 million dollars to political candidates last year? If so, add 40 points. You bought your personhood fair and square.
8. Did you vote last year? Deduct 5 points if so.
9. Deduct 1 point for each year of education beyond 12th Grade.
10. Do you believe human beings are responsible for any sort of environmental problems whatsoever? If no, add 20 points.
11. Do you think the "facts of life" should be hidden from children until they have their own kids? So it's a neat-o complete surprise? Add 10
12. What is the most pressing issue facing America? Only correct answer is Bengazi. 10 points if you're right. Parital credit for "IRS emails" or "Obama".
13. Add 5 points for every generation your family has been in the US (note --- no points if you answered Number 6 Yes).
14. Do you have a job? If no, and your income last year was under $200,000 just stop taking this right now - you failed.
This is a sliding scale. Compare with your friends and neighbors. It's fun. It's easy. And you'll know just where you stand!